http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110223/ap_on_re_us/us_piracy_americans
“Friends: Americans killed by pirates were careful”
"SANTA MONICA, Calif. – They were four adventure seekers who loved the sea and wanted to see the world. Friends said they were meticulous and planned for any dangers, but even that couldn't prepare them for the Somali pirates who stormed their yacht and took their lives."
Allrighty, I feel bad for these jackasses families*. But they were careful and meticulous planners? Yeah, clearly. Because no amount of planning and preparation could have revealed that sailing of the coast of Somalia is, you know... dangerous.
*: Not so much because of their deaths, as because of the shared genetic material.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates Episode 5.8
OK, after a few episodes off, and almost a week delay (damn you, Brussels, damn you to hellllll!!!), here they are!
Appropriate Facebook status updates:
is high-fiveing a million angels
was a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon
is preserving the perfect American accent in case of nuclear war
knows money can't buy happiness -- it is happiness
is leading a disastrous monkey escape
is no more than 6 sigmas from perfection
wants a hot bowl of noglak
is not a cool kid
is shotgunning a pizza
Inappropriate Facebook status updates:
is lesbian Frankenstein
always forgets you used to be poor
feels like Hitler... in Germany
has told you this before -- your Nana is an idiot
Appropriate Facebook status updates:
is high-fiveing a million angels
was a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon
is preserving the perfect American accent in case of nuclear war
knows money can't buy happiness -- it is happiness
is leading a disastrous monkey escape
is no more than 6 sigmas from perfection
wants a hot bowl of noglak
is not a cool kid
is shotgunning a pizza
Inappropriate Facebook status updates:
is lesbian Frankenstein
always forgets you used to be poor
feels like Hitler... in Germany
has told you this before -- your Nana is an idiot
Friday, October 22, 2010
30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates Episode 5.5
Acceptable Facebook Updates:
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- is the Albert Pujols of having problems
- hasn't done anything wrong in almost 24 hours
- is the Sisyphus of Reaganing
- is pretty uptight for hanging out under a bridge
- has years of therapy ahead of him, probably electroshock
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- can't get a cab because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer
- has to talk to Rachel Maddow -- only one of use can have this haircut
- has more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried
- is diving into the sexual abyss
30 Rock Live Blogging: Episode 5.2 Facebook Status Updates
Acceptable Facebook Updates:
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- is cute like a pretty refugee on the news
- is werewolfing himself
- cannot escape death -- but I will cheat
- won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton
- once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro
- went to middle school in an Exxon station
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- wants your feet in my mouth
- is standing in a crowd like an Italian
- started doing fantasy hockey camp and Civil War re-creation to meet girls
- is a descendant of Thomas Jefferson -- and Lazy Susan
- has given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church and is assured that I'll have certain... powers in heaven
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
30 Rock Live Blogging - Facebook Status Updates Episode 5.1
Acceptable Facebook status updates:
is surrounded by a privacy circle of English-trained butlers
is the Jackie O of our time
's health insurance will remain in effect... until the end of this sentence
once saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut
's job like Top Gun, but with a lot more volleyball
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff*
is on a Sadness Scavenger Hunt
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it**
has retreated to his den, where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood
would rather teach his cat to dial 911
misses rubbing his foot back into the shape of a foot
is a ragazzi robusti
Inappropriate Facebook status updates:
is a huge hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles
is Business Slut
needs the bathroom to smell like sandalwood before I wreck it
takes people and turns them into amounts of money
is all booked for "JackFest"
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff***
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it***
wants grown-up love
made love to his wife, and since she was still asleep, he didn't have to be gentle
is her pube shirt
* For straight women, gay men, and dude ranch owners/employees
** For pathetic losers and passive-aggressives who want to break up
*** For everyone else
is surrounded by a privacy circle of English-trained butlers
is the Jackie O of our time
's health insurance will remain in effect... until the end of this sentence
once saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut
's job like Top Gun, but with a lot more volleyball
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff*
is on a Sadness Scavenger Hunt
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it**
has retreated to his den, where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood
would rather teach his cat to dial 911
misses rubbing his foot back into the shape of a foot
is a ragazzi robusti
Inappropriate Facebook status updates:
is a huge hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles
is Business Slut
needs the bathroom to smell like sandalwood before I wreck it
takes people and turns them into amounts of money
is all booked for "JackFest"
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff***
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it***
wants grown-up love
made love to his wife, and since she was still asleep, he didn't have to be gentle
is her pube shirt
* For straight women, gay men, and dude ranch owners/employees
** For pathetic losers and passive-aggressives who want to break up
*** For everyone else
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.9
Is Vinnie getting stood up going to replace Ronnie-Sammi? Or will Angelina's drama take top billing?
1:45 - It's José's birthday! Guess what Angelina got him? Not sex, of course. Well not sex with him.
4:00 - "Angelina, she's my friend, but I don't trust her." Maybe "friend" means something different in Italian-American.
6:00 - "Unfortunately, I was really tired, plus it was that time of the month for me... I'm the woman, I decide when to have sex. No birthday sex for José." She couldn't even throw us a "no way, José"?
8:00 - Angelina lies and claims she gave up the birthday sex. This clearly won't backfire.
12:30 - The girls get ready for JWoww's man to visit by getting $200 nail work. Good lord.
13:30 - So, if you trust your girlfriend, what do you do while waiting for her to change: a) check her address book b) pitch a fit and accuse her of cheating c) walk out or d) all of the above?
16:00 - It's weird to see the craziest cast member showing actual affection for her boyfriend. It's not weird for this to be followed by her picking his nose, then trying to feed it to him. I shit you fing not.
18:00 - Angelina cries when talks to her mom, and mom's explanation? "Are the dresses too tight for her?" So, she's worried about her weight, huh?
19:00 - I'm singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiimmmmeee!" when I get ready tonight.
21:00 - Snooki is beset by, and I quote, "grenades, grundles, chodes." It's a fair assessment, actually.
23:00 - A "Canadian model" is apparently so desperate for pseudo-celebrity, TV time, and/or nookie that she not only agrees to try to bang The Situation in the club bathroom but she also agreed to put her face on TV. Niiiiice.
25:00 - Is Snooki drunk or just cock-blocking by grabbing the feet of her mid-hookup roommates and saying "love you!"? I'm going with "both".
27:00 - Watching Angelina whine about the nasty house and her lazy roommates while she studiously avoids cleaning is MONEY.
32:00 - Vinnie and Pauly ignore Angelina and her friend at the beach while The Situation ... practices flexing at home? Classy.
39:00 - This episode has been entirely too sober. There needs to be a 3-drink minimum for the cast at all times.
41:00 - "Don't listen to him. I didn't sleep with two guys in one day! ... I'm a single girl." Angelina is the new Rick James!
Next week looks much better -- Situation vs Angelina, Snooki vs Angelina, Angelina's last shreds of dignity vs Angelina -- winners, all!
This was a pretty meh episode. Just Angelina being a bitchy skank and lots of whining. I would've thought the cast trying to work would be more interesting, but apparently not. Tom-JWoww faded into nothing, and there was nothing to replace it. Verdict?
1:45 - It's José's birthday! Guess what Angelina got him? Not sex, of course. Well not sex with him.
4:00 - "Angelina, she's my friend, but I don't trust her." Maybe "friend" means something different in Italian-American.
6:00 - "Unfortunately, I was really tired, plus it was that time of the month for me... I'm the woman, I decide when to have sex. No birthday sex for José." She couldn't even throw us a "no way, José"?
8:00 - Angelina lies and claims she gave up the birthday sex. This clearly won't backfire.
12:30 - The girls get ready for JWoww's man to visit by getting $200 nail work. Good lord.
13:30 - So, if you trust your girlfriend, what do you do while waiting for her to change: a) check her address book b) pitch a fit and accuse her of cheating c) walk out or d) all of the above?
16:00 - It's weird to see the craziest cast member showing actual affection for her boyfriend. It's not weird for this to be followed by her picking his nose, then trying to feed it to him. I shit you fing not.
18:00 - Angelina cries when talks to her mom, and mom's explanation? "Are the dresses too tight for her?" So, she's worried about her weight, huh?
19:00 - I'm singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiimmmmeee!" when I get ready tonight.
21:00 - Snooki is beset by, and I quote, "grenades, grundles, chodes." It's a fair assessment, actually.
23:00 - A "Canadian model" is apparently so desperate for pseudo-celebrity, TV time, and/or nookie that she not only agrees to try to bang The Situation in the club bathroom but she also agreed to put her face on TV. Niiiiice.
25:00 - Is Snooki drunk or just cock-blocking by grabbing the feet of her mid-hookup roommates and saying "love you!"? I'm going with "both".
27:00 - Watching Angelina whine about the nasty house and her lazy roommates while she studiously avoids cleaning is MONEY.
32:00 - Vinnie and Pauly ignore Angelina and her friend at the beach while The Situation ... practices flexing at home? Classy.
39:00 - This episode has been entirely too sober. There needs to be a 3-drink minimum for the cast at all times.
41:00 - "Don't listen to him. I didn't sleep with two guys in one day! ... I'm a single girl." Angelina is the new Rick James!
Next week looks much better -- Situation vs Angelina, Snooki vs Angelina, Angelina's last shreds of dignity vs Angelina -- winners, all!
This was a pretty meh episode. Just Angelina being a bitchy skank and lots of whining. I would've thought the cast trying to work would be more interesting, but apparently not. Tom-JWoww faded into nothing, and there was nothing to replace it. Verdict?
D+
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.8
Thank god -- no sign of Ronnie and Sammi in the recap.
2:00 - Nothing's better after a drunken hookup than a wake-up call from mom.
4:30 - "You're a hypocritical whore" -- it pretty well sums Angelina up. And she doesn't even complain.
6:30 - Vinnie's family came to visit? What is Vinnie's mom going to think when she sees her little boy going through his roommates?
10:30 - Uncle Nino needs his own show. He's HI-larious! Also, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's a made man.
12:00 - Good lord, that is one huge meal.
12:30 - "My Uncle Nino doesn't have the highest standards in the world, so these girls are looking like supermodels." It takes some skill to insult your family AND your roommates in one sentence.
14:45 - "I'm glad [mom] came, but it's definitely time to say goodbye." Translation: I've eaten, now I want to get laid.
16:10 - "Ask them if they're DTF. We can't waste time today -- it's Saturday."
17:15 - The Situation's such a charmer: "I'm about to massage every part of your body." "Feet first?" "I'm going to hit that ass first."
20:30 - I don't get bailing because "I have a boyfriend" -- it's not going to last past the airing of the show, since you went home with the guidos and didn't even have your face blerkled.
24:00 - Nothing's classier than fixing yourself an egg sandwich, then going to eat it in bed while watching your roommate get some.
26:00 - "You know how happy I get when I see your number? I'm like a little kid." Poor, sweet José. He's going to learn a valuable lesson about falling for a skank.
26:30 - "Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry -- everyone gets a ride, and it's free." Nice work by the MTV writers on that line.
29:00 - Wow. Angelina is one unrepentant bitch. "If he thinks that hooking up means just kissing, I don't have to tell him."
31:00 - "Sometimes you meet a girl that deserves to be wined and dined, and, you know, wifed up." But how does he ask her out? He tells her that he needs a "sympathy date". Not good.
33:45 - GTL has turned into RSFL - reservations, shopping, flowers, laundry.
34:30 - Poor Vinnie. Dumped without even a first date. But at least he hung up on her. So he's got that going for him.
37:00 - Ugh. Vinnie calls her back? What a pathetic bastard. "Please, please, please, pretty please."
38:00 - "I'm a bink. That's what Italians call someone who's fresh."
39:30 - It's 10:30pm and your "date" isn't answering the phone. Not a good sign. But at least Pauly had a good date.
Verdict: For an episode with no fights and no drunken fun, this was a winner. I give it a:
2:00 - Nothing's better after a drunken hookup than a wake-up call from mom.
4:30 - "You're a hypocritical whore" -- it pretty well sums Angelina up. And she doesn't even complain.
6:30 - Vinnie's family came to visit? What is Vinnie's mom going to think when she sees her little boy going through his roommates?
10:30 - Uncle Nino needs his own show. He's HI-larious! Also, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's a made man.
12:00 - Good lord, that is one huge meal.
12:30 - "My Uncle Nino doesn't have the highest standards in the world, so these girls are looking like supermodels." It takes some skill to insult your family AND your roommates in one sentence.
14:45 - "I'm glad [mom] came, but it's definitely time to say goodbye." Translation: I've eaten, now I want to get laid.
16:10 - "Ask them if they're DTF. We can't waste time today -- it's Saturday."
17:15 - The Situation's such a charmer: "I'm about to massage every part of your body." "Feet first?" "I'm going to hit that ass first."
20:30 - I don't get bailing because "I have a boyfriend" -- it's not going to last past the airing of the show, since you went home with the guidos and didn't even have your face blerkled.
24:00 - Nothing's classier than fixing yourself an egg sandwich, then going to eat it in bed while watching your roommate get some.
26:00 - "You know how happy I get when I see your number? I'm like a little kid." Poor, sweet José. He's going to learn a valuable lesson about falling for a skank.
26:30 - "Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry -- everyone gets a ride, and it's free." Nice work by the MTV writers on that line.
29:00 - Wow. Angelina is one unrepentant bitch. "If he thinks that hooking up means just kissing, I don't have to tell him."
31:00 - "Sometimes you meet a girl that deserves to be wined and dined, and, you know, wifed up." But how does he ask her out? He tells her that he needs a "sympathy date". Not good.
33:45 - GTL has turned into RSFL - reservations, shopping, flowers, laundry.
34:30 - Poor Vinnie. Dumped without even a first date. But at least he hung up on her. So he's got that going for him.
37:00 - Ugh. Vinnie calls her back? What a pathetic bastard. "Please, please, please, pretty please."
38:00 - "I'm a bink. That's what Italians call someone who's fresh."
39:30 - It's 10:30pm and your "date" isn't answering the phone. Not a good sign. But at least Pauly had a good date.
Verdict: For an episode with no fights and no drunken fun, this was a winner. I give it a:
B+
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