Acceptable Facebook Updates:
- is the Albert Pujols of having problems
- hasn't done anything wrong in almost 24 hours
- is the Sisyphus of Reaganing
- is pretty uptight for hanging out under a bridge
- has years of therapy ahead of him, probably electroshock
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- can't get a cab because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer
- has to talk to Rachel Maddow -- only one of use can have this haircut
- has more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried
- is diving into the sexual abyss
Acceptable Facebook Updates:
- is cute like a pretty refugee on the news
- is werewolfing himself
- cannot escape death -- but I will cheat
- won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton
- once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro
- went to middle school in an Exxon station
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- wants your feet in my mouth
- is standing in a crowd like an Italian
- started doing fantasy hockey camp and Civil War re-creation to meet girls
- is a descendant of Thomas Jefferson -- and Lazy Susan
- has given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church and is assured that I'll have certain... powers in heaven
