Acceptable Facebook status updates:
is surrounded by a privacy circle of English-trained butlers
is the Jackie O of our time
's health insurance will remain in effect... until the end of this sentence
once saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut
's job like Top Gun, but with a lot more volleyball
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff*
is on a Sadness Scavenger Hunt
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it**
has retreated to his den, where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood
would rather teach his cat to dial 911
misses rubbing his foot back into the shape of a foot
is a ragazzi robusti
Inappropriate Facebook status updates:
is a huge hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles
is Business Slut
needs the bathroom to smell like sandalwood before I wreck it
takes people and turns them into amounts of money
is all booked for "JackFest"
doesn't like his life stuff mixing with his dude stuff***
needs to know where this relationship is going and can feel you resisting it***
wants grown-up love
made love to his wife, and since she was still asleep, he didn't have to be gentle
is her pube shirt
* For straight women, gay men, and dude ranch owners/employees
** For pathetic losers and passive-aggressives who want to break up
*** For everyone else
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.9
Is Vinnie getting stood up going to replace Ronnie-Sammi? Or will Angelina's drama take top billing?
1:45 - It's José's birthday! Guess what Angelina got him? Not sex, of course. Well not sex with him.
4:00 - "Angelina, she's my friend, but I don't trust her." Maybe "friend" means something different in Italian-American.
6:00 - "Unfortunately, I was really tired, plus it was that time of the month for me... I'm the woman, I decide when to have sex. No birthday sex for José." She couldn't even throw us a "no way, José"?
8:00 - Angelina lies and claims she gave up the birthday sex. This clearly won't backfire.
12:30 - The girls get ready for JWoww's man to visit by getting $200 nail work. Good lord.
13:30 - So, if you trust your girlfriend, what do you do while waiting for her to change: a) check her address book b) pitch a fit and accuse her of cheating c) walk out or d) all of the above?
16:00 - It's weird to see the craziest cast member showing actual affection for her boyfriend. It's not weird for this to be followed by her picking his nose, then trying to feed it to him. I shit you fing not.
18:00 - Angelina cries when talks to her mom, and mom's explanation? "Are the dresses too tight for her?" So, she's worried about her weight, huh?
19:00 - I'm singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiimmmmeee!" when I get ready tonight.
21:00 - Snooki is beset by, and I quote, "grenades, grundles, chodes." It's a fair assessment, actually.
23:00 - A "Canadian model" is apparently so desperate for pseudo-celebrity, TV time, and/or nookie that she not only agrees to try to bang The Situation in the club bathroom but she also agreed to put her face on TV. Niiiiice.
25:00 - Is Snooki drunk or just cock-blocking by grabbing the feet of her mid-hookup roommates and saying "love you!"? I'm going with "both".
27:00 - Watching Angelina whine about the nasty house and her lazy roommates while she studiously avoids cleaning is MONEY.
32:00 - Vinnie and Pauly ignore Angelina and her friend at the beach while The Situation ... practices flexing at home? Classy.
39:00 - This episode has been entirely too sober. There needs to be a 3-drink minimum for the cast at all times.
41:00 - "Don't listen to him. I didn't sleep with two guys in one day! ... I'm a single girl." Angelina is the new Rick James!
Next week looks much better -- Situation vs Angelina, Snooki vs Angelina, Angelina's last shreds of dignity vs Angelina -- winners, all!
This was a pretty meh episode. Just Angelina being a bitchy skank and lots of whining. I would've thought the cast trying to work would be more interesting, but apparently not. Tom-JWoww faded into nothing, and there was nothing to replace it. Verdict?
1:45 - It's José's birthday! Guess what Angelina got him? Not sex, of course. Well not sex with him.
4:00 - "Angelina, she's my friend, but I don't trust her." Maybe "friend" means something different in Italian-American.
6:00 - "Unfortunately, I was really tired, plus it was that time of the month for me... I'm the woman, I decide when to have sex. No birthday sex for José." She couldn't even throw us a "no way, José"?
8:00 - Angelina lies and claims she gave up the birthday sex. This clearly won't backfire.
12:30 - The girls get ready for JWoww's man to visit by getting $200 nail work. Good lord.
13:30 - So, if you trust your girlfriend, what do you do while waiting for her to change: a) check her address book b) pitch a fit and accuse her of cheating c) walk out or d) all of the above?
16:00 - It's weird to see the craziest cast member showing actual affection for her boyfriend. It's not weird for this to be followed by her picking his nose, then trying to feed it to him. I shit you fing not.
18:00 - Angelina cries when talks to her mom, and mom's explanation? "Are the dresses too tight for her?" So, she's worried about her weight, huh?
19:00 - I'm singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiimmmmeee!" when I get ready tonight.
21:00 - Snooki is beset by, and I quote, "grenades, grundles, chodes." It's a fair assessment, actually.
23:00 - A "Canadian model" is apparently so desperate for pseudo-celebrity, TV time, and/or nookie that she not only agrees to try to bang The Situation in the club bathroom but she also agreed to put her face on TV. Niiiiice.
25:00 - Is Snooki drunk or just cock-blocking by grabbing the feet of her mid-hookup roommates and saying "love you!"? I'm going with "both".
27:00 - Watching Angelina whine about the nasty house and her lazy roommates while she studiously avoids cleaning is MONEY.
32:00 - Vinnie and Pauly ignore Angelina and her friend at the beach while The Situation ... practices flexing at home? Classy.
39:00 - This episode has been entirely too sober. There needs to be a 3-drink minimum for the cast at all times.
41:00 - "Don't listen to him. I didn't sleep with two guys in one day! ... I'm a single girl." Angelina is the new Rick James!
Next week looks much better -- Situation vs Angelina, Snooki vs Angelina, Angelina's last shreds of dignity vs Angelina -- winners, all!
This was a pretty meh episode. Just Angelina being a bitchy skank and lots of whining. I would've thought the cast trying to work would be more interesting, but apparently not. Tom-JWoww faded into nothing, and there was nothing to replace it. Verdict?
D+
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.8
Thank god -- no sign of Ronnie and Sammi in the recap.
2:00 - Nothing's better after a drunken hookup than a wake-up call from mom.
4:30 - "You're a hypocritical whore" -- it pretty well sums Angelina up. And she doesn't even complain.
6:30 - Vinnie's family came to visit? What is Vinnie's mom going to think when she sees her little boy going through his roommates?
10:30 - Uncle Nino needs his own show. He's HI-larious! Also, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's a made man.
12:00 - Good lord, that is one huge meal.
12:30 - "My Uncle Nino doesn't have the highest standards in the world, so these girls are looking like supermodels." It takes some skill to insult your family AND your roommates in one sentence.
14:45 - "I'm glad [mom] came, but it's definitely time to say goodbye." Translation: I've eaten, now I want to get laid.
16:10 - "Ask them if they're DTF. We can't waste time today -- it's Saturday."
17:15 - The Situation's such a charmer: "I'm about to massage every part of your body." "Feet first?" "I'm going to hit that ass first."
20:30 - I don't get bailing because "I have a boyfriend" -- it's not going to last past the airing of the show, since you went home with the guidos and didn't even have your face blerkled.
24:00 - Nothing's classier than fixing yourself an egg sandwich, then going to eat it in bed while watching your roommate get some.
26:00 - "You know how happy I get when I see your number? I'm like a little kid." Poor, sweet José. He's going to learn a valuable lesson about falling for a skank.
26:30 - "Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry -- everyone gets a ride, and it's free." Nice work by the MTV writers on that line.
29:00 - Wow. Angelina is one unrepentant bitch. "If he thinks that hooking up means just kissing, I don't have to tell him."
31:00 - "Sometimes you meet a girl that deserves to be wined and dined, and, you know, wifed up." But how does he ask her out? He tells her that he needs a "sympathy date". Not good.
33:45 - GTL has turned into RSFL - reservations, shopping, flowers, laundry.
34:30 - Poor Vinnie. Dumped without even a first date. But at least he hung up on her. So he's got that going for him.
37:00 - Ugh. Vinnie calls her back? What a pathetic bastard. "Please, please, please, pretty please."
38:00 - "I'm a bink. That's what Italians call someone who's fresh."
39:30 - It's 10:30pm and your "date" isn't answering the phone. Not a good sign. But at least Pauly had a good date.
Verdict: For an episode with no fights and no drunken fun, this was a winner. I give it a:
2:00 - Nothing's better after a drunken hookup than a wake-up call from mom.
4:30 - "You're a hypocritical whore" -- it pretty well sums Angelina up. And she doesn't even complain.
6:30 - Vinnie's family came to visit? What is Vinnie's mom going to think when she sees her little boy going through his roommates?
10:30 - Uncle Nino needs his own show. He's HI-larious! Also, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's a made man.
12:00 - Good lord, that is one huge meal.
12:30 - "My Uncle Nino doesn't have the highest standards in the world, so these girls are looking like supermodels." It takes some skill to insult your family AND your roommates in one sentence.
14:45 - "I'm glad [mom] came, but it's definitely time to say goodbye." Translation: I've eaten, now I want to get laid.
16:10 - "Ask them if they're DTF. We can't waste time today -- it's Saturday."
17:15 - The Situation's such a charmer: "I'm about to massage every part of your body." "Feet first?" "I'm going to hit that ass first."
20:30 - I don't get bailing because "I have a boyfriend" -- it's not going to last past the airing of the show, since you went home with the guidos and didn't even have your face blerkled.
24:00 - Nothing's classier than fixing yourself an egg sandwich, then going to eat it in bed while watching your roommate get some.
26:00 - "You know how happy I get when I see your number? I'm like a little kid." Poor, sweet José. He's going to learn a valuable lesson about falling for a skank.
26:30 - "Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry -- everyone gets a ride, and it's free." Nice work by the MTV writers on that line.
29:00 - Wow. Angelina is one unrepentant bitch. "If he thinks that hooking up means just kissing, I don't have to tell him."
31:00 - "Sometimes you meet a girl that deserves to be wined and dined, and, you know, wifed up." But how does he ask her out? He tells her that he needs a "sympathy date". Not good.
33:45 - GTL has turned into RSFL - reservations, shopping, flowers, laundry.
34:30 - Poor Vinnie. Dumped without even a first date. But at least he hung up on her. So he's got that going for him.
37:00 - Ugh. Vinnie calls her back? What a pathetic bastard. "Please, please, please, pretty please."
38:00 - "I'm a bink. That's what Italians call someone who's fresh."
39:30 - It's 10:30pm and your "date" isn't answering the phone. Not a good sign. But at least Pauly had a good date.
Verdict: For an episode with no fights and no drunken fun, this was a winner. I give it a:
B+
Friday, September 10, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.7
It's on! The long-awaited Sammi-J Woww fight is here! Or so we hope. And is it too much to ask for MTV to just drop the annoying Sammi-Ronnie shit for a while? JFC, that is getting pretty fing old.
1:30 - Guess what! MTV is starting with, and this is a shocker, repeating the footage from last week, but not as a "previously on..."
2:30 - That was sweet! First Sammi & J Woww went for the hair, then after being pulled apart, they decided to go into punches. I'd have to say it was worth the wait. The best part? Ronnie claiming it was Vinnie's fault.
3:30 - Ronnie: "What am I? ****ing stupid?" I'm going to go with "yes".
5:00 - J Woww goes after Ronnie, armed only with a plate. Probably for the best that Vinnie stepped in to stop it.
7:30 - Ronnie gives some tips on interpreting body language: "I pushed him, to be, like, yo, you should've minded your business." I missed a few "bro"s in there, but you get the gist.
8:45 - "The is the best accomplishment I've had in a long time, to literally kick the shit out of Jenni". That should look good on your résumé! Also, unless you consider hair extensions "shit", I think you need to learn what "literally" means.
12:30 - Angelina's clueless pseudo-boyfriend shows up in a suit to give her a watch. Yet isn't getting any. It's kind of sad, but also why I make it one of my cardinal rules of dating to NEVER buy anything for a woman on an MTV reality show UNLESS I'm getting some.
14:30 - Let's hope that Ronnie and Sammi are done fighting and we can get back to drunken debauchery.
16:15 - Poor Vinnie. He somehow expects his retarded housemates to see and care that Angelina is a complete manipulative bitch. He's such a sweet kid.
19:45 - Poor No Way José. If your date wants to go meet up with her friends instead of going to your place, you, mi amigo, are getting played.
21:30 - Does "real" mean "insane"? Because that's the only explanation for Angelina saying "I'm the realest friend you have." Actually, that's not fair. It could also mean "two-faced".
24:30 - So, Pauly and the Situation are the only ones to have figured it out -- they don't get involved with housemates' drama, but they make sure to be there for reaction shots, and they try to get as much action outside the house. Vinnie just isn't quite there.
25:30 - "Ron's MacGuyver." More MacGruber, but whatever. Though it is impressive -- he treated her like dirt, and she blames the messenger.
27:00 - An exchange.
28:30 - The most shocking statement of the show -- Snooki saying "I'm not hungry". But it led to J-Woww describing it thusly: "Moaning, 'What's your last name?' Moaning, 'Do you have any kids?', Moaning, 'Do you live far from here?', Moaning, 'Do you like to cuddle?'" That's just sweet, beautiful drunk talk.
32:30 - "Basically, I'm the kind of girl that when a guy tells me to behave, I do the opposite." BIG surprise from Angelina there.
36:00 - Apparently calling a guidette "Mami" is the worst turn-off ever. Also, if it's a smush, you need to put lotion on your butt.
39:00 - Apparently Angelina's hate for Vinnie isn't as strong as her need to piss off No Way José. Remember "Vinnie is ****ing ugly"? Now it's "Vinnie is cute, I don't care."
Verdict: Not bad! A return to drunken fun, and, not coincidentally, a departure from the Ronnie-Sammi crap. Let's hope it continues as the ladies pass Vinnie around like a guido vibrator!
1:30 - Guess what! MTV is starting with, and this is a shocker, repeating the footage from last week, but not as a "previously on..."
2:30 - That was sweet! First Sammi & J Woww went for the hair, then after being pulled apart, they decided to go into punches. I'd have to say it was worth the wait. The best part? Ronnie claiming it was Vinnie's fault.
3:30 - Ronnie: "What am I? ****ing stupid?" I'm going to go with "yes".
5:00 - J Woww goes after Ronnie, armed only with a plate. Probably for the best that Vinnie stepped in to stop it.
7:30 - Ronnie gives some tips on interpreting body language: "I pushed him, to be, like, yo, you should've minded your business." I missed a few "bro"s in there, but you get the gist.
8:45 - "The is the best accomplishment I've had in a long time, to literally kick the shit out of Jenni". That should look good on your résumé! Also, unless you consider hair extensions "shit", I think you need to learn what "literally" means.
12:30 - Angelina's clueless pseudo-boyfriend shows up in a suit to give her a watch. Yet isn't getting any. It's kind of sad, but also why I make it one of my cardinal rules of dating to NEVER buy anything for a woman on an MTV reality show UNLESS I'm getting some.
14:30 - Let's hope that Ronnie and Sammi are done fighting and we can get back to drunken debauchery.
16:15 - Poor Vinnie. He somehow expects his retarded housemates to see and care that Angelina is a complete manipulative bitch. He's such a sweet kid.
19:45 - Poor No Way José. If your date wants to go meet up with her friends instead of going to your place, you, mi amigo, are getting played.
21:30 - Does "real" mean "insane"? Because that's the only explanation for Angelina saying "I'm the realest friend you have." Actually, that's not fair. It could also mean "two-faced".
24:30 - So, Pauly and the Situation are the only ones to have figured it out -- they don't get involved with housemates' drama, but they make sure to be there for reaction shots, and they try to get as much action outside the house. Vinnie just isn't quite there.
25:30 - "Ron's MacGuyver." More MacGruber, but whatever. Though it is impressive -- he treated her like dirt, and she blames the messenger.
27:00 - An exchange.
- Vinnie: "What do you do here?"
- Woman: "I work at Hooters"
- Vinnie (to the camera): "Classy girl"
28:30 - The most shocking statement of the show -- Snooki saying "I'm not hungry". But it led to J-Woww describing it thusly: "Moaning, 'What's your last name?' Moaning, 'Do you have any kids?', Moaning, 'Do you live far from here?', Moaning, 'Do you like to cuddle?'" That's just sweet, beautiful drunk talk.
32:30 - "Basically, I'm the kind of girl that when a guy tells me to behave, I do the opposite." BIG surprise from Angelina there.
36:00 - Apparently calling a guidette "Mami" is the worst turn-off ever. Also, if it's a smush, you need to put lotion on your butt.
39:00 - Apparently Angelina's hate for Vinnie isn't as strong as her need to piss off No Way José. Remember "Vinnie is ****ing ugly"? Now it's "Vinnie is cute, I don't care."
Verdict: Not bad! A return to drunken fun, and, not coincidentally, a departure from the Ronnie-Sammi crap. Let's hope it continues as the ladies pass Vinnie around like a guido vibrator!
B+
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.6
So, the recap -- exactly the same as the last 4 recaps. Not a good sign.
1:30 - "Everyone's so boring!" Clearly the solution is tequila shots while wearing sombreros.
2:30 - Another Vinnie-Snooki hookup! It's kind of sad and also kind of sweet. And The Situation does not look good in the B&W cam.
3:30 - "It's like putting a watermelon in a pinhole. Don't say anything." I'm sure the secret won't be filme... Well, whatever.
5:15 - Jenni apparently is angrier at Sammi than Ronnie. Because, clearly, the sleazebag isn't the problem.
7:00 - "I'm done with it. I'm done." I know exactly what you mean. And the power ballad only makes it worse.
8:30 - Sneaky move by the Situation to "clean" as a cover for his eavesdropping. Well, more instigating than eavesdropping.
10:00 - You know why J-Woww is great? She can get indignant about being accused of writing a letter THAT SHE ACTUALLY WROTE.
12:30 - MTV needs a new rule -- no sober confrontations. The hilarity is way better with booze. Then again, the censor's beep finger is probably cramping as it is.
14:45 - "I'm shady?" Let's see, you've been hooking up at the club, then coming home at night, professing love to get some, then repeating as necessary. And then denying it. That's a solid Nixon on the Shady Scale.
17:45 - What kind of idiot meets a woman followed by a camera crew getting the VIP treatment and buys her drinks?
19:30 - More importantly, why does the Situation need to eat, smoke and change before hooking up?
21:00 - "So, um, I got a taxi for you, baby." I like the direct approach, I need to focus group this in Germany.
23:00 - "Grocery shopping is horrible" -- that's a keeper there, fellas!
26:00 - It's really amazing how useless the women are. No cleaning, no cooking, at least Snooki has been giving Vinnie some.
29:30 - Whining to your boyfriend on the phone -- that's gripping TV!
31:00 - Nice work by Sammi to suck up to Angelina, who couldn't wait to tell. Does this mean the Jenni-Sammi fight is finally happening?
33:00 - "With this spray tan, this chain, and this fitted [cap], how can she not [want me]?" Vinnie has summed up the guido ethos in one question.
36:15 - "In Miami, if you have to think about it, it's probably a trannie." It seems like this is not good for the Situation's brand.
37:00 - "You want to go to the bathroom to dance?"
38:00 - Wow. I guess semi-sober Ronnie is the pro at sleeping one off.
39:30 - Has anyone else noticed that Angelina sounds like Rick James when caught being a bitch? "She was talking shit about Pauly! ... I never said she was talking shit about Pauly!"
Verdict - Had the Jenni-Sammi fight happened this week, it would have gotten a B. But instead, it gets what is becoming the standard:
1:30 - "Everyone's so boring!" Clearly the solution is tequila shots while wearing sombreros.
2:30 - Another Vinnie-Snooki hookup! It's kind of sad and also kind of sweet. And The Situation does not look good in the B&W cam.
3:30 - "It's like putting a watermelon in a pinhole. Don't say anything." I'm sure the secret won't be filme... Well, whatever.
5:15 - Jenni apparently is angrier at Sammi than Ronnie. Because, clearly, the sleazebag isn't the problem.
7:00 - "I'm done with it. I'm done." I know exactly what you mean. And the power ballad only makes it worse.
8:30 - Sneaky move by the Situation to "clean" as a cover for his eavesdropping. Well, more instigating than eavesdropping.
10:00 - You know why J-Woww is great? She can get indignant about being accused of writing a letter THAT SHE ACTUALLY WROTE.
12:30 - MTV needs a new rule -- no sober confrontations. The hilarity is way better with booze. Then again, the censor's beep finger is probably cramping as it is.
14:45 - "I'm shady?" Let's see, you've been hooking up at the club, then coming home at night, professing love to get some, then repeating as necessary. And then denying it. That's a solid Nixon on the Shady Scale.
17:45 - What kind of idiot meets a woman followed by a camera crew getting the VIP treatment and buys her drinks?
19:30 - More importantly, why does the Situation need to eat, smoke and change before hooking up?
21:00 - "So, um, I got a taxi for you, baby." I like the direct approach, I need to focus group this in Germany.
23:00 - "Grocery shopping is horrible" -- that's a keeper there, fellas!
26:00 - It's really amazing how useless the women are. No cleaning, no cooking, at least Snooki has been giving Vinnie some.
29:30 - Whining to your boyfriend on the phone -- that's gripping TV!
31:00 - Nice work by Sammi to suck up to Angelina, who couldn't wait to tell. Does this mean the Jenni-Sammi fight is finally happening?
33:00 - "With this spray tan, this chain, and this fitted [cap], how can she not [want me]?" Vinnie has summed up the guido ethos in one question.
36:15 - "In Miami, if you have to think about it, it's probably a trannie." It seems like this is not good for the Situation's brand.
37:00 - "You want to go to the bathroom to dance?"
38:00 - Wow. I guess semi-sober Ronnie is the pro at sleeping one off.
39:30 - Has anyone else noticed that Angelina sounds like Rick James when caught being a bitch? "She was talking shit about Pauly! ... I never said she was talking shit about Pauly!"
Verdict - Had the Jenni-Sammi fight happened this week, it would have gotten a B. But instead, it gets what is becoming the standard:
C-
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