- is cute like a pretty refugee on the news
- is werewolfing himself
- cannot escape death -- but I will cheat
- won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton
- once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro
- went to middle school in an Exxon station
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- wants your feet in my mouth
- is standing in a crowd like an Italian
- started doing fantasy hockey camp and Civil War re-creation to meet girls
- is a descendant of Thomas Jefferson -- and Lazy Susan
- has given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church and is assured that I'll have certain... powers in heaven
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