Quick Recap: Ronnie's a jerk, the guys are ignoring it and the women are trying to tell Sammi without pissing off her OR her sleazebag pseudo-boyfriend. Good luck with that!
1:45 - J Woww talking to herself while adjusting her boobs is pretty sweet.
2:30 - Gay pride week in Miami! No surprise, the guys are nowhere to be seen.
4:00 - "Gay guys aren't attracted to vagina. They're attracted to ***" They have to bleep out "musical theater" on MTV?
5:00 - I love it when MTV plays the power ballad chords to generate drama. It's directing!
7:00 - The Situation had a scheduled hookup that is now leading to a 3s Company, um, situation. But the guys finally score, which seems surprising that's it happens in episode 5. Not surprising is that Mike doesn't know the names.
12:00 - Angelina apparently still doesn't have a cell phone. And clearly he's out of line for wanting her to do her share of dishes.
12:30 - It's kind of surreal to see any of the cast actually walking to/from anywhere that doesn't sell booze.
14:30 - A touching moment as Mike apologizes for yelling at Angelina for not doing dishes. If the end of Beaches was a 9 on the emotional scale, this was a solid 7.5.
16:30 - Snooki informs us that there's a process to breaking up with a guy. She doesn't specify if a series of angry, drunken phone calls is part of the process.
17:30 - I don't want to sound like an intellectual snob, but I don't think that "sympathetic" is word-of-the-day material.
20:00 - How do they have a quiet night in and STILL manage to oversleep?
21:00 - So, if you find a note, isn't your first guess at the author's identity the people that aren't there that day?
24:10 - Actually, Ron, people in the house have big fingers, and very small mouths.
25:15 - "And then I saw the word 'wisely', and I knew it wasn't Snooki -- she don't use words like that." Yeah, "wisely". That's some big-time vocabulary.
27:30 - Angelina might have post-Jersey Shore opportunities, but the World Series of Poker is not one of them.
29:30 - Wow. Sammi finally is somewhat sympathetic. Ronnie, of course, promptly hoists himself onto the cross he carries around just for this purpose.
31:30 - I'm not saying that Snooki and J Woww are bad liars, but not even the Church Commission would believe their BS.
34:45 - "Do whatever you want to do, but I'm not getting involved." Except, you know, except for writing the note.
35:30 - "If they end up back together, she looks like the dumbest bitch." Well, obviously that's going to happen.
37:15 - "You either want this, or you don't. You either want this, or you don't. I need to know." I am going to try this in my next bad relationship.
39:00 - Nice cross-marketing with Ron asking for "the full Varsity Blues outfit" from his FTF back home.
So, they're done. Again. Sammi has realized that he's a sleazebag, and she's dumping him. For now. In case you can't detect my skepticism, it's there. Overall, I'd give the episode a
C-
Some decent drama, but not enough hilarity. Though the complete and utter cluelessness of everyone involved was fun. On the bright side, next week we might have a 3-way catfight with Jenni, Angelina and Sammi. Wrowwwwrw!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
All hail Pikkiwoki...
http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html
"Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry. "
Heh.
"Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry. "
Heh.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.4
Recap of the series so far: Each episode starts with the gang getting drunk, going out, and Ronnie convincing his girlfriend/ex to leave the club. Ronnie then does an excellent impression of a coked-up douchebag, making out with random club rats, then comes home to get in bed and profess his love to Sammi. The next day, they reaffirm their love while the castmates wonder if this sort of tawdry behavior is reflecting badly on them. Also, Angelina is a drunk bitch, Snooki is a sloppy drunk (surprise!) and J-Woww shows off her breasts at every opportunity. The other 3 guys, now calling themselves MVP, manage to not convert celebrity and an MTV film crew into lovin'*.
1:50 - So, did you know that if you get your period in a white outfit, it's ruined? You can thank Snooki and J-Woww for this breaking news. So I guess they did make it through middle school.
2:30 - "Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women, and I feel that's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country." Crap. I can't believe my dissertation topic was just announced to the world on MTV. Now I'm never going to get my doctorate in Women's Studies. But props to Emilio for a Costanza-esque break-up. Flame on!
3:30 - When you ask, "DO you think my boyfriend is fing with me?" and you get silence, that is a YES.
4:00 - "It's a big ball of ****edness" I think the MTV writers just coined "fuckedness". I like it.
6:00 - This is pretty smooth. Snooki and J-Woww are trying to set up Angelina to be the one to squeal on Ronnie.
7:00 - This is an Inception-level mindbender! Did Emilio cheat on Snooki or was he joking? I think this will go down in pop history with "The Sixth Sense" and "Memento". Or not.
8:30 - "If you call here again, I will call the cops or get on a plane and kick your a..." Naturally, Emilio thinks this is a voice mail message.
11:15 - "I don't like tests. That's why I didn't go to college." I'm sure that's the only reason there, champ.
13:30 - I have to admit, seeing the girls eating edamame and sushi is a bit jarring. In Season 1 they would've laughed at the concept. I think they ordered the Jump The Shark Roll.
15:30 - Apparently the cast does not have a "no shirt, no shoes, no sunday dinner" policy. I can understand if you're eating outside, but eating dinner inside around the table and you don't put on a shirt?
17:00 - The girls put on sexy dresses to play "Questions"? That doesn't seem odd at all. I'm sure the questions will in no way lead to Sammi to discovering that Ronnie has a burning sensation when he pees**.
20:15 - Our first GTL session! And, no surprise, Ronnie opts for some boxing.
22:00 - The heliocentric solar system. Relativity. Threesomes. All genius ideas. Also on the list? Typing an anonymous letter to Sammi. Because in a house with 8 people, she'll never figure it out!
23:00 - Our second mirror-cam boob adjustment of the episode! That ties the record set by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!
27:00 - "It's over. And I'm ok with it." I'm betting against both of those.
29:00 - "I hate you so much. Because I love you." I'm pretty sure this is going to be quoted in the inevitable assault trial.
31:30 - Coming up after the break -- typing!
34:15 - "I don't girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for [beep]." Why can't you have both? The gelato store scenes are the only bright spot of the episode.
37:00 - I gotta say, this whole episode is dragging. Badly. Just cut to the chase and tell her. Or go get drunk and be funny. One or the other.
This episode was wasted trying to build tension for the coming revelation to Sammi. Meh. In Simpsons terminology, this was a Lisa episode. Final Evaluation?
* This seems sketchy, to say the least.
** I'm just assuming on the details.
1:50 - So, did you know that if you get your period in a white outfit, it's ruined? You can thank Snooki and J-Woww for this breaking news. So I guess they did make it through middle school.
2:30 - "Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women, and I feel that's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country." Crap. I can't believe my dissertation topic was just announced to the world on MTV. Now I'm never going to get my doctorate in Women's Studies. But props to Emilio for a Costanza-esque break-up. Flame on!
3:30 - When you ask, "DO you think my boyfriend is fing with me?" and you get silence, that is a YES.
4:00 - "It's a big ball of ****edness" I think the MTV writers just coined "fuckedness". I like it.
6:00 - This is pretty smooth. Snooki and J-Woww are trying to set up Angelina to be the one to squeal on Ronnie.
7:00 - This is an Inception-level mindbender! Did Emilio cheat on Snooki or was he joking? I think this will go down in pop history with "The Sixth Sense" and "Memento". Or not.
8:30 - "If you call here again, I will call the cops or get on a plane and kick your a..." Naturally, Emilio thinks this is a voice mail message.
11:15 - "I don't like tests. That's why I didn't go to college." I'm sure that's the only reason there, champ.
13:30 - I have to admit, seeing the girls eating edamame and sushi is a bit jarring. In Season 1 they would've laughed at the concept. I think they ordered the Jump The Shark Roll.
15:30 - Apparently the cast does not have a "no shirt, no shoes, no sunday dinner" policy. I can understand if you're eating outside, but eating dinner inside around the table and you don't put on a shirt?
17:00 - The girls put on sexy dresses to play "Questions"? That doesn't seem odd at all. I'm sure the questions will in no way lead to Sammi to discovering that Ronnie has a burning sensation when he pees**.
20:15 - Our first GTL session! And, no surprise, Ronnie opts for some boxing.
22:00 - The heliocentric solar system. Relativity. Threesomes. All genius ideas. Also on the list? Typing an anonymous letter to Sammi. Because in a house with 8 people, she'll never figure it out!
23:00 - Our second mirror-cam boob adjustment of the episode! That ties the record set by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!
27:00 - "It's over. And I'm ok with it." I'm betting against both of those.
29:00 - "I hate you so much. Because I love you." I'm pretty sure this is going to be quoted in the inevitable assault trial.
31:30 - Coming up after the break -- typing!
34:15 - "I don't girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for [beep]." Why can't you have both? The gelato store scenes are the only bright spot of the episode.
37:00 - I gotta say, this whole episode is dragging. Badly. Just cut to the chase and tell her. Or go get drunk and be funny. One or the other.
This episode was wasted trying to build tension for the coming revelation to Sammi. Meh. In Simpsons terminology, this was a Lisa episode. Final Evaluation?
D
* This seems sketchy, to say the least.
** I'm just assuming on the details.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You could hide a Sherman tank in the plot holes.
I'm shamelessly borrowing someone else's blog post, because it's good. Credit where credit is due, and there's other stuff worth reading on there: http://squid314.livejournal.com/
Begin plaigiarized material.... now:
************************************************************************
As I mentioned in my last entry, I've been watching Babylon 5 lately. It's not a perfect show, but it has one big advantage: it's consistent and believable.
Contrast this with Doctor Who. Doctor Who is fun to watch, but if you think about it for more than two seconds you notice it's full of plot holes and contradictions. Things that cause time travel paradoxes that threaten to destroy the universe one episode go without a hitch the next. And the TARDIS, the sonic screwdriver, and the Doctor's biology gain completely different powers no one's ever alluded to depending on the situation. The aliens are hysterically unlikely, often without motives or believable science, the characters will do any old insane thing when it makes the plot slightly more interesting, and everything has either a self-destruct button or an easily findable secret weakness that it takes no efforts to defend against.
But I guess I'm not complaining. If the show was believable, the Doctor would have gotten killed the first time he decided to take on a massive superadvanced alien invasion force by walking right up to them openly with no weapons and no plan. And then they would have had to cancel the show, and then I would lose my chance to look at the pretty actress who plays Amy Pond.
So Doctor Who is not a complete loss. But then there are some shows that go completely beyond the pale of enjoyability, until they become nothing more than overwritten collections of tropes impossible to watch without groaning.
I think the worst offender here is the History Channel and all their programs on the so-called "World War II".
Let's start with the bad guys. Battalions of stormtroopers dressed in all black, check. Secret police, check. Determination to brutally kill everyone who doesn't look like them, check. Leader with a tiny villain mustache and a tendency to go into apopleptic rage when he doesn't get his way, check. All this from a country that was ordinary, believable, and dare I say it sometimes even sympathetic in previous seasons.
I wouldn't even mind the lack of originality if they weren't so heavy-handed about it. Apparently we're supposed to believe that in the middle of the war the Germans attacked their allies the Russians, starting an unwinnable conflict on two fronts, just to show how sneaky and untrustworthy they could be? And that they diverted all their resources to use in making ever bigger and scarier death camps, even in the middle of a huge war? Real people just aren't that evil. And that's not even counting the part where as soon as the plot requires it, they instantly forget about all the racism nonsense and become best buddies with the definitely non-Aryan Japanese.
Not that the good guys are much better. Their leader, Churchill, appeared in a grand total of one episode before, where he was a bumbling general who suffered an embarrassing defeat to the Ottomans of all people in the Battle of Gallipoli. Now all of a sudden, he's not only Prime Minister, he's not only a brilliant military commander, he's not only the greatest orator of the twentieth century who can convince the British to keep going against all odds, he's also a natural wit who is able to pull out hilarious one-liners practically on demand. I know he's supposed to be the hero, but it's not realistic unless you keep the guy at least vaguely human.
So it's pretty standard "shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong" versus "evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide" stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: "Nuts!". The Germans attack, and miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.
Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy - the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin' play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.
Anyway, they spend the whole season building up how the Japanese home islands are a fortress, and the Japanese will never surrender, and there's no way to take the Japanese home islands because they're invincible... and then they realize they totally can't have the Americans take the Japanese home islands so they have no way to wrap up the season.
So they invent a completely implausible superweapon that they've never mentioned until now. Apparently the Americans got some scientists together to invent it, only we never heard anything about it because it was "classified". In two years, the scientists manage to invent a weapon a thousand times more powerful than anything anyone's ever seen before - drawing from, of course, ancient mystical texts. Then they use the superweapon, blow up several Japanese cities easily, and the Japanese surrender. Convenient, isn't it?
...and then, in the entire rest of the show, over five or six different big wars, they never use the superweapon again. Seriously. They have this whole thing about a war in Vietnam that lasts decades and kills tens of thousands of people, and they never wonder if maybe they should consider using the frickin' unstoppable mystical superweapon that they won the last war with. At this point, you're starting to wonder if any of the show's writers have even watched the episodes the other writers made.
I'm not even going to get into the whole subplot about breaking a secret code (cleverly named "Enigma", because the writers couldn't spend more than two seconds thinking up a name for an enigmatic code), the giant superintelligent computer called Colossus (despite this being years before the transistor was even invented), the Soviet strongman whose name means "Man of Steel" in Russian (seriously, between calling the strongman "Man of Steel" and the Frenchman "de Gaulle", whoever came up with the names for this thing ought to be shot).
So yeah. Stay away from the History Channel. Unlike most of the other networks, they don't even try to make their stuff believable.
Begin plaigiarized material.... now:
************************************************************************
As I mentioned in my last entry, I've been watching Babylon 5 lately. It's not a perfect show, but it has one big advantage: it's consistent and believable.
Contrast this with Doctor Who. Doctor Who is fun to watch, but if you think about it for more than two seconds you notice it's full of plot holes and contradictions. Things that cause time travel paradoxes that threaten to destroy the universe one episode go without a hitch the next. And the TARDIS, the sonic screwdriver, and the Doctor's biology gain completely different powers no one's ever alluded to depending on the situation. The aliens are hysterically unlikely, often without motives or believable science, the characters will do any old insane thing when it makes the plot slightly more interesting, and everything has either a self-destruct button or an easily findable secret weakness that it takes no efforts to defend against.
But I guess I'm not complaining. If the show was believable, the Doctor would have gotten killed the first time he decided to take on a massive superadvanced alien invasion force by walking right up to them openly with no weapons and no plan. And then they would have had to cancel the show, and then I would lose my chance to look at the pretty actress who plays Amy Pond.
So Doctor Who is not a complete loss. But then there are some shows that go completely beyond the pale of enjoyability, until they become nothing more than overwritten collections of tropes impossible to watch without groaning.
I think the worst offender here is the History Channel and all their programs on the so-called "World War II".
Let's start with the bad guys. Battalions of stormtroopers dressed in all black, check. Secret police, check. Determination to brutally kill everyone who doesn't look like them, check. Leader with a tiny villain mustache and a tendency to go into apopleptic rage when he doesn't get his way, check. All this from a country that was ordinary, believable, and dare I say it sometimes even sympathetic in previous seasons.
I wouldn't even mind the lack of originality if they weren't so heavy-handed about it. Apparently we're supposed to believe that in the middle of the war the Germans attacked their allies the Russians, starting an unwinnable conflict on two fronts, just to show how sneaky and untrustworthy they could be? And that they diverted all their resources to use in making ever bigger and scarier death camps, even in the middle of a huge war? Real people just aren't that evil. And that's not even counting the part where as soon as the plot requires it, they instantly forget about all the racism nonsense and become best buddies with the definitely non-Aryan Japanese.
Not that the good guys are much better. Their leader, Churchill, appeared in a grand total of one episode before, where he was a bumbling general who suffered an embarrassing defeat to the Ottomans of all people in the Battle of Gallipoli. Now all of a sudden, he's not only Prime Minister, he's not only a brilliant military commander, he's not only the greatest orator of the twentieth century who can convince the British to keep going against all odds, he's also a natural wit who is able to pull out hilarious one-liners practically on demand. I know he's supposed to be the hero, but it's not realistic unless you keep the guy at least vaguely human.
So it's pretty standard "shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong" versus "evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide" stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: "Nuts!". The Germans attack, and miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.
Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy - the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin' play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.
Anyway, they spend the whole season building up how the Japanese home islands are a fortress, and the Japanese will never surrender, and there's no way to take the Japanese home islands because they're invincible... and then they realize they totally can't have the Americans take the Japanese home islands so they have no way to wrap up the season.
So they invent a completely implausible superweapon that they've never mentioned until now. Apparently the Americans got some scientists together to invent it, only we never heard anything about it because it was "classified". In two years, the scientists manage to invent a weapon a thousand times more powerful than anything anyone's ever seen before - drawing from, of course, ancient mystical texts. Then they use the superweapon, blow up several Japanese cities easily, and the Japanese surrender. Convenient, isn't it?
...and then, in the entire rest of the show, over five or six different big wars, they never use the superweapon again. Seriously. They have this whole thing about a war in Vietnam that lasts decades and kills tens of thousands of people, and they never wonder if maybe they should consider using the frickin' unstoppable mystical superweapon that they won the last war with. At this point, you're starting to wonder if any of the show's writers have even watched the episodes the other writers made.
I'm not even going to get into the whole subplot about breaking a secret code (cleverly named "Enigma", because the writers couldn't spend more than two seconds thinking up a name for an enigmatic code), the giant superintelligent computer called Colossus (despite this being years before the transistor was even invented), the Soviet strongman whose name means "Man of Steel" in Russian (seriously, between calling the strongman "Man of Steel" and the Frenchman "de Gaulle", whoever came up with the names for this thing ought to be shot).
So yeah. Stay away from the History Channel. Unlike most of the other networks, they don't even try to make their stuff believable.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.3
Alright! I've replaced my shirt-before-the-shirt with my official Jersey Shore wifebeater*, and it's time! A quick recap:
Everyone's favorite guidos and guidettes are in Miami for the winter, because "you can't creep [in cold weather]". Not surprisingly, they've dealt with the change in location by drinking even more than usual. And (thanks to the Onion AV Club for this insight) Ronnie is apparently on coke. Woo hoo!
2:00 - In case you forgot about the slaps, we get a replay. Angelina claims "Jenni, I had nothing to do with this." Except, of course, the slapping.
3:00 - Angelina sticks with her story of not slapping Pauly and not caring what the guys do (while pronouncing the word "deyusional"). This is a bold move, since there's no video footage to prove her wr... wait, that doesn't seem right.
3:15 - Pauly D, M.D., diagnoses Angelina's denial as "Bipolar. I never seen that before -- I think that's a problem."
4:00 - Work time! Jenni is bummed because the black t-shirt "suffocates my girls. Let my girls breathe!" I have to agree with her on this.
6:00 - I like this strategy of "I don't remember anything from last night. What did I do?" and then acting shocked at the story. I may try this at work after a bad project.
7:30 - Angelina wants a get-out-of-jail-free card. Which is fair, since she's such a forgiving, happy person.
8:45 - "I have thick, thick Sicilian hair. And the only thing I can do with it is get a tape-up and a fade. And if I don't have that, it's like saying, 'you have to go out without putting gel in your hair.'" Noooooooooo! Someone get this kid a tape-up and a fade**!
10:00 - "I had to come to the 'hood to get a good haircut." They don't have clippers on South Beach?
11:00 - A brilliant move by The Situation to con the women into taking Angelina off his hands by making them about how little fun it will be if they don't.
12:30 - Vinnie and Snooki share a moment before Jenni gives the girls some air. So much air that Vinnie says "Albert Einstein should comeback and rewrite his laws of physics around Jenni's [bleep]***
15:00 - In the previous episode, they sold Ronnie as just hammered. But clearly he's visiting the powder room. HBO needs to show "The Real Jersey Shore" where the housemates openly talk about Ronnie's snorting.
17:45 - Ronnie claims he never crossed the line. Snorted it, sure. But crossed it? No. I assume his line is "sex on the dance floor."
20:45 - If you're dating Snooki, I'm betting the drunk, hiccup-y phone calls at 6am are not a surprise.
24:30 - "That's a true pig right there. No offense to Ronnie." Why would he be offended by being called a true pig?
26:00 - Aaaaaannnndddd they're back. Is every episode going to have the 1st half Ronnie hookup, are they broken up followed by the mid-episode realization that he loves Sammi?
29:30 - The plan to run away from Angelina would be more believable if there weren't cameras following both groups.
32:30 - So, you've hooked up with the guys from the Jersey Shore, your bra insert falls out and you STILL sign the waiver so your face isn't blurkled? What kind of idiot are you?
34:00 - I'm thinking the free pub for your gelato shop might not be worth one of your employees announcing that she's going commando at work.
38:00 - Surprise! Ronnie is going to pass on the night in with Sammi (who he loves, remember) to go out with the guys.
39:30 - How could he not love Sammi, what with her testing him by telling him to go out? Guys LOVE that!
40:00 - The cliffhanger? J-Woww & Snooki are debating whether to tell Sammi about Ronnie being a coke-headed douche. Because, you know, it makes them look bad when he acts like that. I guess they didn't get the DVD of the 1st season.
So, how was the episode? I have to give it a C. The whole scene with the women in the hot tub seemed staged, especially since the guys have clearly been hooking up with hotter women. I'm thinking they were encouraged to bring home some women for just this, er, Situation.
* Motto: You can't help being dumb, but you don't have to look stupid.
** What the hell's a "tape up and fade"?
*** Really? MTV can't say "tits"? How fing insane is the FCC?
Everyone's favorite guidos and guidettes are in Miami for the winter, because "you can't creep [in cold weather]". Not surprisingly, they've dealt with the change in location by drinking even more than usual. And (thanks to the Onion AV Club for this insight) Ronnie is apparently on coke. Woo hoo!
2:00 - In case you forgot about the slaps, we get a replay. Angelina claims "Jenni, I had nothing to do with this." Except, of course, the slapping.
3:00 - Angelina sticks with her story of not slapping Pauly and not caring what the guys do (while pronouncing the word "deyusional"). This is a bold move, since there's no video footage to prove her wr... wait, that doesn't seem right.
3:15 - Pauly D, M.D., diagnoses Angelina's denial as "Bipolar. I never seen that before -- I think that's a problem."
4:00 - Work time! Jenni is bummed because the black t-shirt "suffocates my girls. Let my girls breathe!" I have to agree with her on this.
6:00 - I like this strategy of "I don't remember anything from last night. What did I do?" and then acting shocked at the story. I may try this at work after a bad project.
7:30 - Angelina wants a get-out-of-jail-free card. Which is fair, since she's such a forgiving, happy person.
8:45 - "I have thick, thick Sicilian hair. And the only thing I can do with it is get a tape-up and a fade. And if I don't have that, it's like saying, 'you have to go out without putting gel in your hair.'" Noooooooooo! Someone get this kid a tape-up and a fade**!
10:00 - "I had to come to the 'hood to get a good haircut." They don't have clippers on South Beach?
11:00 - A brilliant move by The Situation to con the women into taking Angelina off his hands by making them about how little fun it will be if they don't.
12:30 - Vinnie and Snooki share a moment before Jenni gives the girls some air. So much air that Vinnie says "Albert Einstein should comeback and rewrite his laws of physics around Jenni's [bleep]***
15:00 - In the previous episode, they sold Ronnie as just hammered. But clearly he's visiting the powder room. HBO needs to show "The Real Jersey Shore" where the housemates openly talk about Ronnie's snorting.
17:45 - Ronnie claims he never crossed the line. Snorted it, sure. But crossed it? No. I assume his line is "sex on the dance floor."
20:45 - If you're dating Snooki, I'm betting the drunk, hiccup-y phone calls at 6am are not a surprise.
24:30 - "That's a true pig right there. No offense to Ronnie." Why would he be offended by being called a true pig?
26:00 - Aaaaaannnndddd they're back. Is every episode going to have the 1st half Ronnie hookup, are they broken up followed by the mid-episode realization that he loves Sammi?
29:30 - The plan to run away from Angelina would be more believable if there weren't cameras following both groups.
32:30 - So, you've hooked up with the guys from the Jersey Shore, your bra insert falls out and you STILL sign the waiver so your face isn't blurkled? What kind of idiot are you?
34:00 - I'm thinking the free pub for your gelato shop might not be worth one of your employees announcing that she's going commando at work.
38:00 - Surprise! Ronnie is going to pass on the night in with Sammi (who he loves, remember) to go out with the guys.
39:30 - How could he not love Sammi, what with her testing him by telling him to go out? Guys LOVE that!
40:00 - The cliffhanger? J-Woww & Snooki are debating whether to tell Sammi about Ronnie being a coke-headed douche. Because, you know, it makes them look bad when he acts like that. I guess they didn't get the DVD of the 1st season.
So, how was the episode? I have to give it a C. The whole scene with the women in the hot tub seemed staged, especially since the guys have clearly been hooking up with hotter women. I'm thinking they were encouraged to bring home some women for just this, er, Situation.
* Motto: You can't help being dumb, but you don't have to look stupid.
** What the hell's a "tape up and fade"?
*** Really? MTV can't say "tits"? How fing insane is the FCC?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Yes. It really is THIS FREAKING HOT!
Apparently 375 degrees for 25 minutes, and 145 degrees for 270 minutes, lead to roughly the same result. Fun!!!
Before:
After:
Before:
After:
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Worst Look Ever
On each occasion I’ve visited The Pour House, I have noticed a gentleman and his friend that I can only assume had just left XMax Games; a close by gaming store. I wish I had a better description of the place but whenever I walk by with Alex & Zoë there are only a couple of men in there usually surfing the internet on one of the many computers or playing chess. So I’m not really sure what goes on there? There are a few “pods” that I guess players can get inside to immerse themselves in the games played there. But I’ve never seen anyone in any of the pods. So I can only assume the place is really a front for the Russian Mafia.
I noticed the one gentleman because he is a dead ringer for Jeff Albertson aka The Comic Book Guy. He is a middle aged paunchy ponytailed and bearded man with the requisite air of nerdy superiority. His friend is of a similar ilk but with I assume is a higher metabolism since he does not possess a paunch.
Just to be clear, I would never waste my time or either of our reader’s time with criticizing someone’s look. After all, I’m not exactly the most happening dude. I have a smokin’ hot Guatemalan chick dress me and I still look like this. So this really isn’t about how good or bad someone looks.
This is about why someone would choose this look. This particular look has been roundly (get it?) made fun of for over two decades by The Simpsons. I have to assume this guy watches The Simpsons (what nerd doesn’t?) yet still chooses to go with this look. We embarrassed nearly everyone into not wearing mullets back in the 90s(except for a certain segment of the Volleyball coaching community). We can do the same for “The Comic Book Guy”. And once we’ve done that we can move on to any middle aged dude with a pony tail. And then I can finally die in peace, jebus willing.
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.2
Quick recap of Episode 1:
The Situation: flexed a lot, talked a lot of game and got... nothing.
Pauly D: Ditto.
Ronnie: Got blitzed, made out with a LOT of grenades in the club, and generally did what he could to make Sammi "feel what he felt" -- apparently, disgust, embarassment and pity.
J Woww: Got psyched up to kick Angelina's ass.
Snooki: Not much. Only good moment was near-orgasmic reaction to fried pickles.
Angelina: Hit on the guys, pissed off the women. A strong return.
Sammi: Whined. A lot.
Vinnie: As always, nothing.
1:00 - Of course, this being MTV, the 1st minute was all recap
3:00 - What's the perfect capper to a drunken night of making out with the skanks at the club? Crawling into bed with your ex.
5:00 - "I had a Snooki night" Haven't we all? But it leads to a new nickname -- IFF (I'm Fucked Foundation -- he's a client and the president!)
7:30 - "I'm never drinking like that again." I assume he means at that particular club, though maybe he means he's switching from Patron to Herradura.
9:30 - The guys wearing matching black wifebeaters reminds me of Jogi Löw, the German soccer coach.
11:30 - What a surprise. Angelina thinks someone else should be single. I'm just amazed we've made it a full episode and a half without a cock block from her.
13:00 - Snooki dumps the chicken for dinner on the floor. Snooki's thoughts:
14:00 - "I'm teaching you to be a woman" Not what I expected to hear from Vinnie to Snooki.
16:00 - A riveting ethical debate between the guys on whether or not Sammi was justified in snooping through Ronnie's address book. The consensus: he should've been prepared for this and hidden his ex's info.
17:30 - The Situation tries to order pizza for "The Situation". They're not buying it. Seems staged.
18:45 - Angelina's non-stop parade of callers is interrupting the gang's busy day of doing nothing. This is just a prelude to...
20:00 - "You don't know me!" "I don't wanna know you!" This exchanges leads to a dramatic chord reminiscent of the death of the good guy's buddy in every Michael Bay movie. Forget TNT. MTV knows DRAMA*!
21:00 The guys, meanwhile, are watching in hopes of a catfight. Who can blame them?
21:40 - The friends of J-Woww's that Angelina ran her mouth to?
22:00 - "You want pretzels? I ain't got no popcorn, but I got pretzels." It's kind of scary that this would also be my reaction to this, um, situation. Dammit.
24:00 - "You should work on a Grenade-free America!" Definitely a rehearsed line.
26:00 - "My weakness is that I love you so fing much. And that's my downfall." Well, at least he's not melodramatic. But this "let's work on things" crap is not what I signed up for. This episode needs more booze.
29:00 - WORK! They're working in a gelato shop, and everyone seems less than thrilled. I think there are two reasons: 1) they hate working and 2) Their boss is actually Italian, not an Italian-American stereotype. It would be like me interning for a writer who's actually funny.
31:00 - "I'll always be here for you. Even if we hate each other." Funny, I'm pretty sure I wrote this in an email to an ex not too long ago. But the pain of his 4-hour (!) tattoo session is probably equal to what I'm feeling during their sappy session afterward.
33:00 - I'm going to start wearing a wifebeater before I put on my going-out t-shirt. The shirt-before-the-shirt, you know? I may even put one on while I blog.
35:30 - We have our first attempted Angelina cock block! Followed by an "I love you!" to Pauly.
37:30 - Pauly reminds us of the best part of Angelina's moral outrage at him hitting on a married woman -- she was dating a married man in Season 1.
38:45 - What does Situation do throughout the whole Angelina-Pauly argument? Keep making food. I like it.
So, it's been two episodes and the closest we've come to a fight is Angelina slapping Pauly D. WTF? Did fame and money mellow out the gang? Odds for potential upcoming fights:
Ronnie vs Situation - 7:1 - This was a favorite after Episode 1, but the men seem like they want to enjoy the drama, not get involved.
Sammi vs Angelina - 2:1 - Sammi's going to need to smack someone around since she's smart enough*** to know not to punch Ronnie.
Snooki vs Angelina - 1:1 - Snooki's clearly not using 'roids, but worth keeping an eye on this one.
J-Woww vs Angelina - 1:4 - Definitely the favorite, since J-Woww's more psyched about this fight than Tyson was about McNeely.
Ronnie vs Random Stranger - Off the board - Not even lame-ass-bookie Mike the Phony will take this bet.
* Which reminds me -- we're probably going to see these guys on Entourage, aren't we?
** Probably a fake name.
*** I never thought I'd type that.
The Situation: flexed a lot, talked a lot of game and got... nothing.
Pauly D: Ditto.
Ronnie: Got blitzed, made out with a LOT of grenades in the club, and generally did what he could to make Sammi "feel what he felt" -- apparently, disgust, embarassment and pity.
J Woww: Got psyched up to kick Angelina's ass.
Snooki: Not much. Only good moment was near-orgasmic reaction to fried pickles.
Angelina: Hit on the guys, pissed off the women. A strong return.
Sammi: Whined. A lot.
Vinnie: As always, nothing.
1:00 - Of course, this being MTV, the 1st minute was all recap
3:00 - What's the perfect capper to a drunken night of making out with the skanks at the club? Crawling into bed with your ex.
5:00 - "I had a Snooki night" Haven't we all? But it leads to a new nickname -- IFF (I'm Fucked Foundation -- he's a client and the president!)
7:30 - "I'm never drinking like that again." I assume he means at that particular club, though maybe he means he's switching from Patron to Herradura.
9:30 - The guys wearing matching black wifebeaters reminds me of Jogi Löw, the German soccer coach.
11:30 - What a surprise. Angelina thinks someone else should be single. I'm just amazed we've made it a full episode and a half without a cock block from her.
13:00 - Snooki dumps the chicken for dinner on the floor. Snooki's thoughts:
- I don't want to clean this up
- I just fucked up dinner
- WTF am I going to eat?
- I'm amazed she had 3 thoughts.
- It might be part of a script, though.
- JFC, she's an idiot.
14:00 - "I'm teaching you to be a woman" Not what I expected to hear from Vinnie to Snooki.
16:00 - A riveting ethical debate between the guys on whether or not Sammi was justified in snooping through Ronnie's address book. The consensus: he should've been prepared for this and hidden his ex's info.
17:30 - The Situation tries to order pizza for "The Situation". They're not buying it. Seems staged.
18:45 - Angelina's non-stop parade of callers is interrupting the gang's busy day of doing nothing. This is just a prelude to...
20:00 - "You don't know me!" "I don't wanna know you!" This exchanges leads to a dramatic chord reminiscent of the death of the good guy's buddy in every Michael Bay movie. Forget TNT. MTV knows DRAMA*!
21:00 The guys, meanwhile, are watching in hopes of a catfight. Who can blame them?
21:40 - The friends of J-Woww's that Angelina ran her mouth to?
- J-420
- Joey Yanks
- Bill**
22:00 - "You want pretzels? I ain't got no popcorn, but I got pretzels." It's kind of scary that this would also be my reaction to this, um, situation. Dammit.
24:00 - "You should work on a Grenade-free America!" Definitely a rehearsed line.
26:00 - "My weakness is that I love you so fing much. And that's my downfall." Well, at least he's not melodramatic. But this "let's work on things" crap is not what I signed up for. This episode needs more booze.
29:00 - WORK! They're working in a gelato shop, and everyone seems less than thrilled. I think there are two reasons: 1) they hate working and 2) Their boss is actually Italian, not an Italian-American stereotype. It would be like me interning for a writer who's actually funny.
31:00 - "I'll always be here for you. Even if we hate each other." Funny, I'm pretty sure I wrote this in an email to an ex not too long ago. But the pain of his 4-hour (!) tattoo session is probably equal to what I'm feeling during their sappy session afterward.
33:00 - I'm going to start wearing a wifebeater before I put on my going-out t-shirt. The shirt-before-the-shirt, you know? I may even put one on while I blog.
35:30 - We have our first attempted Angelina cock block! Followed by an "I love you!" to Pauly.
37:30 - Pauly reminds us of the best part of Angelina's moral outrage at him hitting on a married woman -- she was dating a married man in Season 1.
38:45 - What does Situation do throughout the whole Angelina-Pauly argument? Keep making food. I like it.
So, it's been two episodes and the closest we've come to a fight is Angelina slapping Pauly D. WTF? Did fame and money mellow out the gang? Odds for potential upcoming fights:
Ronnie vs Situation - 7:1 - This was a favorite after Episode 1, but the men seem like they want to enjoy the drama, not get involved.
Sammi vs Angelina - 2:1 - Sammi's going to need to smack someone around since she's smart enough*** to know not to punch Ronnie.
Snooki vs Angelina - 1:1 - Snooki's clearly not using 'roids, but worth keeping an eye on this one.
J-Woww vs Angelina - 1:4 - Definitely the favorite, since J-Woww's more psyched about this fight than Tyson was about McNeely.
Ronnie vs Random Stranger - Off the board - Not even lame-ass-bookie Mike the Phony will take this bet.
* Which reminds me -- we're probably going to see these guys on Entourage, aren't we?
** Probably a fake name.
*** I never thought I'd type that.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Jersey Shore Live Blogging: Season 2.1
Another season of the humiliating-to-admit-you-watch Jersey Shore. This time the gang of guidos and guidettes is headed to Miami. Can the first season's potent mix of overtanning, steroids, fights, and drunken fun be beaten?
And, of course, spoilers. A spoiler-free Live Blog will be coming shortly.
0:00 - This being MTV, there will be at least 90 seconds of recap before the show actually starts.
1:40 - Pauly informs us that one cannot creep* in bad weather.
2:55 - Snooki has a gorilla guido! Unfortunately, though she doesn't want to cheat, "if you're going to hand me a a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me, and I just go crazy." She's a classy broad, our Snooks.
3:05 - Snooki gets political! She doesn't go tanning any more because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. So it's time for a 3rd coat of spray-on tan!
4:05 - The Situation is apparently being sponsored by World's Ugliest Hoodies, Inc.
5:15 - Sammi claims that she and Ronnie "both decided to be single." I'm calling bullshit.
5:55 - Ronnie's friends warn him about double-baggers -- girls so ugly that you have to "put a bag over your head in case her bag falls off." I thought he meant women so likely to have an STD that you wear 2 condoms, just to be sure.
7:25 - "We're making sure that we get there first, whatever it takes." That's a bit of foreshadowing from J-Woww, I'm thinking.
8:00 - Pauly introduces Angelina by telling the story of their one night stand. We then get a shot (from the head up) of Angelina getting a bikini wax. Hellllooooooo, uncensored DVDs!
9:30 - The Situation & Pauly D manage to get their truck stuck in mud -- up to the running boards. They shoot off fireworks to kill time until AAA shows up to bail them out.
11:00 - Snooki's life is changed when she's introduced to fried pickles. But the girls are very underwhelmed by a local yokel's attempt to pick them up -- described as "obviously f*&@s his sister for a living")
13:30 - Ronnie, Sammi, and Angelina (wearing cutoff short-shorts that appear to have somehow been cutoff above the waist) are flying, which is too bad. I'd watch a reality show of Ronnie fighting his way south. It would be like the A-Team, except he would "help" people by kicking their asses. Keep the van, though.
15:45 - "I will do whatever it takes to be cool with these people" - Angelina. Over/under on this being shown to be BS is 7 min.
18:00 - Since she's already hooked up with Mike & Pauly, she naturally rooms with them. Pualy & Angelina both remind us of this.
20:00 - Are the shades necessary inside because of the lights or because of the douchiness?
21:00 - Apparently there's a blackboard on one wall that the cast is signing. Pauly D is "Fresh to Death". That's how the Mentos guy died, you know.
22:30 - Our first Ronnie/Sammi awkward moment. And she admits that he dumped her.
24:00 - J-Woww and Snooki show up, and both apparently got some personal trainer time before heading to South Beach.
24:40 - Angelina states she will not be doing anything to make amends. This took 9 minutes, so if you had the Over, you win!
28:00 - "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' 20s here!" Apparently the Pilgrims disbanded right before Prohibition. I had no idea.
30:00 - How do you get ready to go out in South Beach? A montage on the mirror cam. The highlight? J-Woww making sure her boobs are bouncing well and even. Good times.
32:00 - "You wanna go outside?" I wouldn't have bet that the first time that was said it was a) in a cab and b) said by J-Woww. I am surprised it took so long to come out, though. It's like the 9th cast member.
34:00 - Ronnie, apparently, is also a little peeved after the break up.
38:00 - Ronnie dropped a C-bomb earlier, and it was a big deal. Angelina does the same -- no big deal.
39:00 - "Life doesn't end like a fairy tale" except for Ronnie, who's enjoying being a part of "Goldenhocks and the Three Skanks".
The credits montage includes fights between two different sets of female cast members, but none involving the men. Are there no fighting men in South Beach?
* The guido term for picking up women. Who says you don't learn anything on MTV? Note that the adjective form is "creepy".
And, of course, spoilers. A spoiler-free Live Blog will be coming shortly.
0:00 - This being MTV, there will be at least 90 seconds of recap before the show actually starts.
1:40 - Pauly informs us that one cannot creep* in bad weather.
2:55 - Snooki has a gorilla guido! Unfortunately, though she doesn't want to cheat, "if you're going to hand me a a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me, and I just go crazy." She's a classy broad, our Snooks.
3:05 - Snooki gets political! She doesn't go tanning any more because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. So it's time for a 3rd coat of spray-on tan!
4:05 - The Situation is apparently being sponsored by World's Ugliest Hoodies, Inc.
5:15 - Sammi claims that she and Ronnie "both decided to be single." I'm calling bullshit.
5:55 - Ronnie's friends warn him about double-baggers -- girls so ugly that you have to "put a bag over your head in case her bag falls off." I thought he meant women so likely to have an STD that you wear 2 condoms, just to be sure.
7:25 - "We're making sure that we get there first, whatever it takes." That's a bit of foreshadowing from J-Woww, I'm thinking.
8:00 - Pauly introduces Angelina by telling the story of their one night stand. We then get a shot (from the head up) of Angelina getting a bikini wax. Hellllooooooo, uncensored DVDs!
9:30 - The Situation & Pauly D manage to get their truck stuck in mud -- up to the running boards. They shoot off fireworks to kill time until AAA shows up to bail them out.
11:00 - Snooki's life is changed when she's introduced to fried pickles. But the girls are very underwhelmed by a local yokel's attempt to pick them up -- described as "obviously f*&@s his sister for a living")
13:30 - Ronnie, Sammi, and Angelina (wearing cutoff short-shorts that appear to have somehow been cutoff above the waist) are flying, which is too bad. I'd watch a reality show of Ronnie fighting his way south. It would be like the A-Team, except he would "help" people by kicking their asses. Keep the van, though.
15:45 - "I will do whatever it takes to be cool with these people" - Angelina. Over/under on this being shown to be BS is 7 min.
18:00 - Since she's already hooked up with Mike & Pauly, she naturally rooms with them. Pualy & Angelina both remind us of this.
20:00 - Are the shades necessary inside because of the lights or because of the douchiness?
21:00 - Apparently there's a blackboard on one wall that the cast is signing. Pauly D is "Fresh to Death". That's how the Mentos guy died, you know.
22:30 - Our first Ronnie/Sammi awkward moment. And she admits that he dumped her.
24:00 - J-Woww and Snooki show up, and both apparently got some personal trainer time before heading to South Beach.
24:40 - Angelina states she will not be doing anything to make amends. This took 9 minutes, so if you had the Over, you win!
28:00 - "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' 20s here!" Apparently the Pilgrims disbanded right before Prohibition. I had no idea.
30:00 - How do you get ready to go out in South Beach? A montage on the mirror cam. The highlight? J-Woww making sure her boobs are bouncing well and even. Good times.
32:00 - "You wanna go outside?" I wouldn't have bet that the first time that was said it was a) in a cab and b) said by J-Woww. I am surprised it took so long to come out, though. It's like the 9th cast member.
34:00 - Ronnie, apparently, is also a little peeved after the break up.
38:00 - Ronnie dropped a C-bomb earlier, and it was a big deal. Angelina does the same -- no big deal.
39:00 - "Life doesn't end like a fairy tale" except for Ronnie, who's enjoying being a part of "Goldenhocks and the Three Skanks".
The credits montage includes fights between two different sets of female cast members, but none involving the men. Are there no fighting men in South Beach?
* The guido term for picking up women. Who says you don't learn anything on MTV? Note that the adjective form is "creepy".
Hey Asshat!: Post Office Addition
I don't usually have much use for the Post Office. As a fully actualized member of modern society I have very little need to mail stuff. I pay bills online, email, text and IM the handful of acquaintances I have remaining. And, in the off chance I had to send a package of even minimal value I would trust it with the far more helpful UPS. Were it not for returning Netflix DVDs, I would have absolutely no need to swing by Post Office.
So, needing to drop off the freshly watched season 7 of What About Jim DVDs, I headed to the Post Office on my way to “work”.
And if queued by some vengeful godlike entity that lives in the sky, four cars all swing into the Post Office drive thru mailbox almost simultaneously with my car being the last in line. One would think that with three cars behind you, the driver of the first car would offer up some sense of urgency in depositing his early letter to Santa. One would also assume that the driver, while swinging around to the mail box might have already rolled down his window in preparation of letterbox insertion.
As is often the case in Hey Asshat!, one would be wrong.
Nope. This dude slowly glides up to the mailbox, stops, lowers his window, inexplicably peers into the mail slot for a good three Mississippis, reaches for his letter, deposits it into the slot, peers back into the mail slot, rolls his window back up and then pulls ahead to start the remainder of his day of pissing people off.
Hey Asshat, some of us have jobs we need to go to. Not necessarily me, but some of us.
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