- is the Albert Pujols of having problems
- hasn't done anything wrong in almost 24 hours
- is the Sisyphus of Reaganing
- is pretty uptight for hanging out under a bridge
- has years of therapy ahead of him, probably electroshock
Unacceptable Facebook Updates:
- can't get a cab because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer
- has to talk to Rachel Maddow -- only one of use can have this haircut
- has more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried
- is diving into the sexual abyss
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