Another season of the humiliating-to-admit-you-watch Jersey Shore. This time the gang of guidos and guidettes is headed to Miami. Can the first season's potent mix of overtanning, steroids, fights, and drunken fun be beaten?
And, of course, spoilers. A spoiler-free Live Blog will be coming shortly.
0:00 - This being MTV, there will be at least 90 seconds of recap before the show actually starts.
1:40 - Pauly informs us that one cannot creep* in bad weather.
2:55 - Snooki has a gorilla guido! Unfortunately, though she doesn't want to cheat, "if you're going to hand me a a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me, and I just go crazy." She's a classy broad, our Snooks.
3:05 - Snooki gets political! She doesn't go tanning any more because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. So it's time for a 3rd coat of spray-on tan!
4:05 - The Situation is apparently being sponsored by World's Ugliest Hoodies, Inc.
5:15 - Sammi claims that she and Ronnie "both decided to be single." I'm calling bullshit.
5:55 - Ronnie's friends warn him about double-baggers -- girls so ugly that you have to "put a bag over your head in case her bag falls off." I thought he meant women so likely to have an STD that you wear 2 condoms, just to be sure.
7:25 - "We're making sure that we get there first, whatever it takes." That's a bit of foreshadowing from J-Woww, I'm thinking.
8:00 - Pauly introduces Angelina by telling the story of their one night stand. We then get a shot (from the head up) of Angelina getting a bikini wax. Hellllooooooo, uncensored DVDs!
9:30 - The Situation & Pauly D manage to get their truck stuck in mud -- up to the running boards. They shoot off fireworks to kill time until AAA shows up to bail them out.
11:00 - Snooki's life is changed when she's introduced to fried pickles. But the girls are very underwhelmed by a local yokel's attempt to pick them up -- described as "obviously f*&@s his sister for a living")
13:30 - Ronnie, Sammi, and Angelina (wearing cutoff short-shorts that appear to have somehow been cutoff above the waist) are flying, which is too bad. I'd watch a reality show of Ronnie fighting his way south. It would be like the A-Team, except he would "help" people by kicking their asses. Keep the van, though.
15:45 - "I will do whatever it takes to be cool with these people" - Angelina. Over/under on this being shown to be BS is 7 min.
18:00 - Since she's already hooked up with Mike & Pauly, she naturally rooms with them. Pualy & Angelina both remind us of this.
20:00 - Are the shades necessary inside because of the lights or because of the douchiness?
21:00 - Apparently there's a blackboard on one wall that the cast is signing. Pauly D is "Fresh to Death". That's how the Mentos guy died, you know.
22:30 - Our first Ronnie/Sammi awkward moment. And she admits that he dumped her.
24:00 - J-Woww and Snooki show up, and both apparently got some personal trainer time before heading to South Beach.
24:40 - Angelina states she will not be doing anything to make amends. This took 9 minutes, so if you had the Over, you win!
28:00 - "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' 20s here!" Apparently the Pilgrims disbanded right before Prohibition. I had no idea.
30:00 - How do you get ready to go out in South Beach? A montage on the mirror cam. The highlight? J-Woww making sure her boobs are bouncing well and even. Good times.
32:00 - "You wanna go outside?" I wouldn't have bet that the first time that was said it was a) in a cab and b) said by J-Woww. I am surprised it took so long to come out, though. It's like the 9th cast member.
34:00 - Ronnie, apparently, is also a little peeved after the break up.
38:00 - Ronnie dropped a C-bomb earlier, and it was a big deal. Angelina does the same -- no big deal.
39:00 - "Life doesn't end like a fairy tale" except for Ronnie, who's enjoying being a part of "Goldenhocks and the Three Skanks".
The credits montage includes fights between two different sets of female cast members, but none involving the men. Are there no fighting men in South Beach?
* The guido term for picking up women. Who says you don't learn anything on MTV? Note that the adjective form is "creepy".
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